Werewolf Balls redux: Giving the people what they want.

I posted an entry on April 4th, 2011 where I wrote a little bit about an anatomically correct werewolf figure I found at a toy store. The figure was so detailed, with not much left to the imagination. You could clearly see the shapeshifter's shaft and bollocks bulging in its tight and torn blue shorts. Composing that sentence made me feel like I was writing a romance novel. Stephenie Meyer has got nothing on me.

About a year after originally posting the story I started noticing that my blog was getting a lot of page views from people searching on Google for phrases like "werewolf balls", "werewolf testicles", "anatomically correct werewolf", and my personal favorite, "what do werewolf balls look like". I've been seeing these phrases in my blog stats pretty regularly ever since then too. Maybe it has something to do with the popularity of Twilight. It all seems rather strange to me, but who am I to judge? These werewolf testicle enthusiasts probably don't do anyone any harm, right? So what do I care if they're into lycanthrope genitalia?

When I first wrote about this wolfman and his fantastical 'nads, I had no idea there was such a rabid fan base. That and also mostly the fact that my fellow shoppers and I didn't have a camera kept me from posting photographic evidence of this creature's bulge. When I started getting so many hits from people specifically seeking werewolf balls, I had the urge to give the people what they want. I was planning to make another post with photographs, but every time I went back to the store with my camera, they didn't have the werewolf toy. I had done some internet research and found out the company that makes the figures is Papo.

In my research I found some wonderful things. There were no specific mentions of the detailed anatomy of the figure, but there were sentences so funny that it's very possible the people who wrote them are in on the joke. For example, on one site there was a warning about the toy that said, "Choke Hazard - Contains Small Parts". Reading that had me laughing for several minutes straight. On the Toys "Я" Us website, I found a review of the figure that said, "I hope that Toys "Я" Us makes more products like this and makes them in other sizes as well, because I like werewolves in all sizes. Meaning small, medium, and large." I bet you do, buddy. I also found out how god damn expensive these figures are. In that original blog entry I called the werewolf toy cheap, and I guess I just assumed they were because they seemed like the kind of action figures poor kids get. These figures don't even have any articulation! I found several pictures of the figure, balls and all, but I really wanted to post my own photos, so I kept bringing my camera every time I went to the mall, hoping they'd restocked the werewolf figures. After so many visits to the mall without ever seeing another figure I was starting to wonder if the store had gotten complaints about the werewolf and stopped selling it.

Well, finally the other day I was at the mall, with my camera in tow, and on the shelf of loose Papo figures, there was a lone lycanthrope, junk and all. Rather than just taking photos of it and parting ways forever, I actually purchased it, adopting this bally werewolf to take home and raise as my very own. Besides just kind of wanting to own it after all we'd been through together, this way I could take my time during the photo shoot. I feel like I owe good photos to these people who pay visits to my blog over and over again looking for the goods. This is my gift to you, weirdos. I hope you appreciate it.

I hadn't noticed before that the blue shorts were unbuttoned. Maybe they changed the mold since I originally saw it. What a strange toy.

And now for the sexy close-up shot you all came to see...

The werewolf figure is now at home on my Halloween mood table.

Another new addition to the table is Cadbury Screme Eggs, and I'm very happy to add them to my Halloween experience this year.

Werewolf Balls, Spaceman Balls.

Here's a little update since I haven't posted anything in a while.

I went to a St. Patrick's Day party at my cousin Megan's house. We ate food, talked, played board games, played Rock Band (including the wonderful LEGO version). Here's a photo of some of us playing Rock Band. I'm the tall guy standing up.



A week later, I went to the mall with Patrick and Caleb. It was Caleb's first malltrip with us, and I was worried that our malling style was boring him, because we generally just wander around aimlessly, but I think we all had a good time.

We went to a toy store in the mall, and played in there for quite a while. This toy store always has cheap, statuesque "action" figures that don't come in any packaging, so it was quite easy to play with them, or mostly just posing them. I put a man with a gun riding a white tiger, shooting at a triceratops. There was a werewolf figure that I noticed was so detailed that it was actually anatomically correct. While it was wearing torn blue shorts, they were very tight, and you could easily see the bulges where his penis and testicles were. Whoever designed that figure must have been such a perfectionist. I made the anatomically correct werewolf ride a horse.

When we went to the food court to eat dinner, there was a new Chinese restaurant right next door to the Chinese restaurant we usually get food at when we're at the mall. We were walking past the new restaurant to get to our usual place when we were intercepted by a young man giving out samples of chicken. Then we noticed our usual place also had a person out in front aggressively handing out chicken samples. The other restaurants in the food court must have felt that these two competing Chinese restaurants giving out samples were making them look bad, or maybe it just got them into the competitive spirit too, because several other restaurants were giving out free samples of their food too. If we had just walked one lap around the food court collecting free samples, we probably would have gotten the equivalent of an entire meal, and I'm not exaggerating at all.

The Borders Books at the mall went out of business. I had no idea until we got there and the store was almost completely empty. There would be an almost completely empty shelf except for one lonely book I'd never heard of sitting there. We didn't even go in because it looked so depressing. Borders was probably my favorite store at the mall. Besides the fact that it just had so many things I'm interested in, it also stayed open an hour later than every other store in the mall, so even after most of the mall was closing, you could go hang out at Borders for a while before going home. Now when all the other stores close, there's no where to go except home. We walked by Borders again later, and it was completely empty. No books on any shelf, and there was a sign on the door that said "Closed". I assume it meant for good, so we practically watched it die. I looked in the window of that empty store with empty shelves, and a sign on the bookshelf ten feet in front of me said "True Crime". Well said, sign. Well said.

We also saw the movie Paul. I'm kind of shocked I haven't heard anyone talk about this movie, even though it's been over a week now since I saw it. It's seriously the best new comedy I've seen in ages. I didn't know much about it going in, aside from who played the three main characters, and I was expecting to at least enjoy myself, but I couldn't have guessed I'd be nearly as entertained as I was. There were so many wonderful actors showing up throughout the movie, including Sigourney Weaver (whose voice I recognized immediately), and there was a "phoned-in" cameo by one of my favorite filmmakers. There were so many references to science fiction movies that I love, but they were always really clever references. There was a lot of swearing, but it all had to do with the story, and was really funny swearing that I can guarantee you've never heard anything like before. The movie was also surprisingly pretty deep and intelligent. Anyone who is a fan of comedies, or a fan of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost (from Spaced, Shaun Of The Dead, and Hot Fuzz), and anyone who is into Science Fiction needs to go see the movie.

Also, I guess I should mention I finally took a driving test today and passed. I now have a license to drive.