No One Wants This Story: Werewolf Balls redux: Giving the people what they want.

I posted an entry on April 4th, 2011 where I wrote a little bit about an anatomically correct werewolf figure I found at a toy store. The figure was so detailed, with not much left to the imagination. You could clearly see the shapeshifter's shaft and bollocks bulging in its tight and torn blue shorts. Composing that sentence made me feel like I was writing a romance novel. Stephenie Meyer has got nothing on me.

About a year after originally posting the story I started noticing that my blog was getting a lot of page views from people searching on Google for phrases like "werewolf balls", "werewolf testicles", "anatomically correct werewolf", and my personal favorite, "what do werewolf balls look like". I've been seeing these phrases in my blog stats pretty regularly ever since then too. Maybe it has something to do with the popularity of Twilight. It all seems rather strange to me, but who am I to judge? These werewolf testicle enthusiasts probably don't do anyone any harm, right? So what do I care if they're into lycanthrope genitalia?

When I first wrote about this wolfman and his fantastical 'nads, I had no idea there was such a rabid fan base. That and also mostly the fact that my fellow shoppers and I didn't have a camera kept me from posting photographic evidence of this creature's bulge. When I started getting so many hits from people specifically seeking werewolf balls, I had the urge to give the people what they want. I was planning to make another post with photographs, but every time I went back to the store with my camera, they didn't have the werewolf toy. I had done some internet research and found out the company that makes the figures is Papo.

In my research I found some wonderful things. There were no specific mentions of the detailed anatomy of the figure, but there were sentences so funny that it's very possible the people who wrote them are in on the joke. For example, on one site there was a warning about the toy that said, "Choke Hazard - Contains Small Parts". Reading that had me laughing for several minutes straight. On the Toys "Я" Us website, I found a review of the figure that said, "I hope that Toys "Я" Us makes more products like this and makes them in other sizes as well, because I like werewolves in all sizes. Meaning small, medium, and large." I bet you do, buddy. I also found out how god damn expensive these figures are. In that original blog entry I called the werewolf toy cheap, and I guess I just assumed they were because they seemed like the kind of action figures poor kids get. These figures don't even have any articulation! I found several pictures of the figure, balls and all, but I really wanted to post my own photos, so I kept bringing my camera every time I went to the mall, hoping they'd restocked the werewolf figures. After so many visits to the mall without ever seeing another figure I was starting to wonder if the store had gotten complaints about the werewolf and stopped selling it.

Well, finally the other day I was at the mall, with my camera in tow, and on the shelf of loose Papo figures, there was a lone lycanthrope, junk and all. Rather than just taking photos of it and parting ways forever, I actually purchased it, adopting this bally werewolf to take home and raise as my very own. Besides just kind of wanting to own it after all we'd been through together, this way I could take my time during the photo shoot. I feel like I owe good photos to these people who pay visits to my blog over and over again looking for the goods. This is my gift to you, weirdos. I hope you appreciate it.